


Subdrop

by satan_copilots_my_tardis



Series: Aftercare [5]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Degradation, Impact Play, M/M, Oh No FEELINGS, Subdrop, bdsm verse, pain play, patton angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-03
Updated: 2018-11-03
Packaged: 2019-08-16 19:36:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16501445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/satan_copilots_my_tardis/pseuds/satan_copilots_my_tardis
Summary: Subdrop: The sensation after a scene where the rush of hormones can create emotion unbalance in a sub. Drops can occur within three days after a scene and can be marked by feelings of guilt, shame, and worthlessness and many other extremely negative symptoms.OrDeceit and Patton scene. A few days later, spurred on by a film, Patton crashes and things come to light that Deceit suspects have more deeply embedded roots in Patton's psyche.





	Subdrop

**Author's Note:**

> *slides in on a rolling chair with sunglasses* Hey so Dropping is a very serious part of BDSM and can have extremely detrimental effects to one's mental health. Make sure to do your research and have an idea of how to treat a drop, but of course aftercare is always one of the best preventative measures. Your kinks don't make you a bad person as long as you're practicing them in a safe way with consenting parties. Have some trash that barely talks about any of that.

There’s something ironic, he thinks, in what his lovers need to feel stable. For Logan he needs the loss of control, he needs for someone else to take charge and force him not to think for a little while. Though given how much they all rely on him Deceit can’t fault him for wanting a little time without his thoughts echoing off his skull. Be it when they are doing a scene and Deceit is dragging him down into the depths of submission or when Logan and Patton are together and the other facet drowns Logan’s overactive mind with love and devotion. Given that though, Deceit hadn’t really known what to expect when it came to helping balance out Patton’s own needs. 

He hadn’t expected the other side to need this.

The flogger whistles through the air before it connects with Patton’s shaking thigh with a loud crack. His body goes taut with the sensation and Deceit listens for any hint of sound as he watches blood rush back into the other’s skin, turning his freckled thigh an angry red as another welt starts to form. But Patton’s jaw clenches against whatever sound he might have made and Deceit leans back, running the flogger down the opposite thigh. 

Patton’s breathing hard and the air between them is too hot. The entire room is too hot, the hearth still cracking behind them and clogging his senses with the smell and flavor of fire among burnt candy sweetness and sweat. He watches carefully as the other tries to hold himself together, sees the way Patton selectively tightens and relaxes his muscles in an attempt to stop the full body shakes that are leaving him shivering on the bed. He lazily reaches for his lover’s cock, watches the gorgeous way the other facet’s back bows and his jaw twitches as he holds back a moan as he strokes along his shaft. 

“Have I finally trained that disobedient streak out of you, brat?” He doesn’t rise to the bait and Deceit sets aside the flogger so gently rub circles over Patton’s abused leg, feeling the heat of the recent injuries radiating against his fingertips, his hand still moving lazily over Patton’s cock. “You can speak.” He allows. 

But when he’s given permission all the other facet manages is a broken sound as a few tears leak across his flushed cheeks. It’s something between a whine and a sob and it makes Deceit’s heart constrict unhappily. 

This is what Patton had needed though. He could taste it on the other as soon as he walked into the room, burnt sugar fouling his tongue and making him choke. And he’s usually more than happy to oblige him. 

But something feels different today. He leans down and licks away one of the stray tears, Patton keening at the touch, and his stomach churns nauseously. There’s no saltiness to his skin. The only flavor is the bitter tang of over-cooked caramel and he feels at a loss. Patton had asked for this today, practically begged for it, and he hadn’t detected a lie in the request. This is what Patton wants. But it’s not releasing the same catharsis as it usually does even as he sees his lover creep closer to the edge. 

“Do you think you’ve earned the right to come?” He asks with a cool assuredness that he doesn’t feel. Patton gasps as he twists his wrist in time with pressing his fingers hard against the growing welts on his thigh, but he doesn’t manage to speak. Deceit pulls his hands away and Patton whines at the loss. “Answer me.”

“No,” he whimpers. 

Deceit feels his lips tighten into a thin line, only half for the performance. Because Patton believes what he said, the sudden flavor of truth should be a relief but it just doesn’t feel right. 

He hums absently, letting one hand drift back to his lover’s red thigh. “At least you’ve finally realized how worthless and undeserving you are.” Patton shudders and the air clears further. He doesn’t know quite what to make of it. But he knows the other is approaching his limits. “I suppose I could mark this milestone with a reward.” He resumes stroking his cock with slow measured movements, dragging Patton’s orgasm out of him after a few long minutes as he writhes on the bed. He comes with a sob and the burnt sugar sweetness finally stops pouring out of his form. 

Deceit leans back as Patton comes down, reaching for the first aid kit next to the bed and removing a salve to help sooth the welts left in the wake of the flogger. It takes a while for Patton to stop crying, reaching up to clear the tears from his eyes and taking a few shuddering breaths before he manages a smile and beckons for him to come closer. 

“Hold on, I’m not done with you yet.” He says, a more subdued, bedroom appropriate form of enthusiasm in his usually overzealous tone. 

Deceit moves up the other’s body and presses a kiss to his cheek. “I think that’s more than enough for tonight.” But getting closer reveals nothing. The taste of Patton’s lies is gone. Just as it should be after one of their sessions. His stomach is still uneasy though and he’s not much interested in Patton reciprocating tonight. The other facet pouts a little but gives in, leaning back and letting Deceit finish working the salve into his thighs. “How do you feel?”

“Great!” Patton beams, before continuing far more sincerely, “Thanks for showing up.” 

“It was my absolute displeasure.” Deceit lies theatrically as he goes about putting his lover back together again.

* * *

 

Isolation is not actually as much of his job as he sometimes wishes it was. Though, Deceit has to lament slightly, it was nice before Thomas knew who he was and he could slink about completely invisible. A slight smirk tugs at the edge of his lips, oh Virgil had always coveted that ability of his. But no, even before he was revealed he always spent most of his time bouncing between the other facets’ domains. For as much as they’d exclaimed their dislike of him to Thomas they relied on him to maintain balance and even worse, relied on  _ his _ power to lie to themselves about that fact. But that’s an old wound and one that he makes sure none of the others are privy to. For now he’s got other business to attend. 

He wasn’t really expecting to come across Logan as he heads to Patton’s room, but he finds the other facet shutting the door gently behind him and running a frustrated hand over his face. He approaches almost silently and when he catches the other’s eye he quirks a brow. 

“What happened?” Deceit murmurs as he steps into Logan’s space. For his part the other doesn’t seem to mind. He’d taken the other sides bi-weekly movie night as a kind of break to catch up on his own work while they were too busy to pay him much attention. But about half an hour ago he’d felt Patton’s emotions spike and go jittery and unhappy and he’d been waiting for him to get back into the mindscape since. Still, seeing the other in his unicorn pajamas does remove some of the gravity from the situation.

Logan huffs a frustrated sigh, rubbing his hand over his face again and leaving his glasses slightly off kilter. “The movie was… more than I was expecting it to be.” Deceit can taste the regret in his tone and reaches up to carefully adjust Logan’s glasses back into place. The other leans into the touch slightly. “He needs you.”

“What about you?” 

“I’m okay.” Deceit doesn’t hesitate to open his mouth and scent the air, the taste of metal and pomegranate settling heavy over his tongue as he picks out the lie. Logan relents leaning back slightly. “He needs you more. I’ll be okay.” 

He doesn’t want to let it go at that. He hasn’t been seeing Patton and Logan long but his introduction into their relationship had come with a responsibility to the both of them, and one that he’d loathe to slack on. Logan must be able to read the hesitation on his face because he just gives him a weak smile. 

“I’ll feel better once I know he’s taken care of.” There’s no trace of dishonesty in the words and Deceit finally relents. He leans in and Logan tilts his mouth up to accept the kiss, the other slightly shorter without his usual shoes. It’s a reassuring, soft gesture, one that he usually reserves for aftercare, but it feels necessary in this moment. 

“Come back in an hour, he’ll need you then.” Because he’s not good at the after part. Because Patton will need Logan more. He’s not upset by it, (a little note of sulfur lingers across the back of his tongue) it’s just a fact of what they are to each other. 

“Okay. Thank you.” Logan murmurs. He gives the other another quick peck before he heads down the hall towards his room and Deceit watches him go for a minute before he takes a breath and focuses on the task at hand. 

Deceit knocks twice on Patton’s door before letting himself in without waiting to be invited. The sepia toned light of the room surrounds him briefly before he shakes it away. He has no desire to lose himself in memories of lies told successfully. The rush of satisfaction that comes with following down that path isn’t worth the cold reality that will await him once he finishes this visit. The light shifts to something more appropriate, just the soft yellow lamplight coming from Patton’s over crowded desk in the corner and the flickering warmth of the fireplace. 

Patton’s room, when not being manifested for their host’s eyes, is as spacious as all of the others but unlike the rest of them he’s crammed far more into the space. The walls are lined with shelves upon shelves of knick knacks and trinkets and his dresser and desk covered in framed photographs. To the naked eye it looks like a discordant mess of memories, but Deceit’s been inside often enough to recognize the way that things have been organized. A wall full of acting achievements and creative projects that have succeeded by the window that looks out on a permanently starry sky. The far corner dedicated to bottles, jars, and boxes all containing whispers of sensations and emotions, with a messily made card sitting front and center. And of course the two bookshelves framing the hearth that contain memories of facts learned and academic achievements made that he so often finds Patton lingering around. 

“Oh, hey there Deceit, come on in.” The facet himself greets, smile small and fractured. Of course there’s no shock in his arrival, the other had summoned him after all. Though, Deceit parts his lips and sucks in a breath. The air settles against his tongue and the flavor is wrong. Instead of the burnt sugar sweetness of Patton’s usual lies he his tongue tingles and sends a dull burn along the back of his throat. Like he’s just knocked back a finger of whisky or more accurately somehow ingested a shot of adrenaline. Deceit’s half surprised he’s the one who’d been summoned when Patton is so obviously shaky and full of anxiety. 

“How was movie night?” He asks tentatively as he moves further into the room, shutting and locking the door behind him. The lock is more symbolic than anything else. It won’t keep them from being summoned if Thomas or one of the others urgently needs either of them, but it will stop anyone from just strolling in without cause. Patton doesn’t respond for a moment so he carefully crosses the plush carpet over to two chairs that have been set up in front of the fireplace. He’s curled into a small shape on the chair the hood of his cat onesie pulled up over his head and his arms wrapped around his knees. It makes something pitiful ache behind his ribs and he wonders exactly how bad the film had been to put the other facet in such a bad place. 

“It was a lot.” It’s not a lie. But it’s not the truth either so Deceit waits once more for the other to elaborate.

Although the tone of his relationship with the other two is new, things have been like this with Patton for a long time. Since he was manifested when Thomas found out there was a distinction between what was true and what wasn’t. Patton’s door is always open to him and vice versa, whether the others know it or not (and Deceit makes sure they do not). He opens his mouth, allows himself the indulgence of soaking in the sweetness of Patton’s lies and getting closer he can distinguish the flavor more clearly. Doubt, resentment, worry, fear, all knotting together and making his heart ache from proximity to the other’s turbulent emotions. Even so he moves closer to the chair, reaching out to pull the other’s hood down so he can run his fingers soothingly through his hair. 

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“No.” The reply comes out quietly and Deceit just nods to himself. He hadn’t thought that’s what was needed. If it was Logan would have stayed and he wouldn’t have been summoned at all. 

“What can I do?” It’s been a while since Patton’s felt this unstable and if he or Logan don’t actually own up and tell him what the hell that movie was about he’s going to have to raid Thomas’s memories and find out for himself. 

Patton finally looks up at him and Deceit is hardly surprised to see his eyes red with tears. Shit. It’s been over three days since their last scene and he’d hoped that they were out of the woods, but clearly whatever he’d seen on screen had been just enough to push him over. 

“What do you need, darling?” He murmurs.

Patton’s eyes squeeze shut, thin tears trickling down his cheeks. “Don’t call me that.” The words crackle feebly like the tinder on the fire. That throws him for a loop. Neither he or Logan have ever had a problem with the term of endearment before. 

Still, “I’m sorry, I won’t anymore.” He mentally strikes the word from his vocabulary and tries to find something else to say. 

Instead Patton ducks his head back down against his knees, hair slipping from Deceit’s fingers. “Tell me I’m worthless.” The words are barely a hiss, trapped against his knees. But he still hears the desperation in his tone. The longing. The  _ truth _ . 

Horror surges through him like a hundred mongooses rioting beneath his flesh. His mouth goes dry and his pulse becomes a dull roar in his ears as his mind whirls. This is his fault. This is because he indulged Patton’s fantasy. Because he hadn’t been attentive enough to understand what had felt wrong. Because he wasn’t careful enough when he put the other back together.

“Patton,” and he has to suck in a breath and start again because the name is so full of regret that the other facet flinches like he’s been hit. Deceit wrestles down his own emotions and sinks to his knees beside the chair, resting one hand over Patton’s. “I can’t tell you that. Not right now.” Patton just shudders and sobs. “Talk to me, Pat.” Because he doesn’t know what to do. He needs the other to point him in the right direction. That’s what a moral compass does, isn’t it? 

“I’m sorry.” each syllable catching on the uneven hitches in his breathing. “I just, I  _ need  _ this. But when I’m with the others I feel like they know. And if they don’t know they’re going to find out and if they do they’re going to hate me.”

He knows that guilt and shame can come with a drop but Deceit’s not sure what to do with all of this. He’s never been good at the emotions part of relationships. Usually he’s the one asking Patton for help in that area, or even Virgil if it really comes down to it. But that’s not an option right now. “Why do you think they’d hate you, Patton?” He murmurs, rubbing soft circles into the skin on the back of his hand. 

There’s a long pause and he thinks for a second the other isn’t going to answer him. “Because I promised them I was working on this. I caused them all so much trouble, I used you to keep them from seeing, I pushed Logan away, I hurt him, I hurt all of them.” The misery in his tone is absolute. “And they gave me another chance and I don’t deserve it and they’re going to find out, and they’re going to see that I’m a waste of time and--”

His mind is still reeling, scrambling for something, for anything to latch on to and he cuts in unsurely with, “What are they going to find out Patton?” Because it can’t be just that the facet is working on managing his turbulent negative emotions. The others already know about that. Logan is fully aware of the dips and Virgil has been spending one-on-one time with Patton as his emotional insecurity sponsor for the past few months now. And Deceit, well, he’s been here, doing what he can. And they’re all proud of Patton for making the effort and he has to know they would never resent him for not getting it right on his first try after years of coping with it all wrong. 

Patton’s fingers go white-knuckled as he clutches at his legs, breaths coming in uneasy and quivering as he tries to find his voice. “That I’m not a good person.” It’s such an absurd statement that Deceit almost laughs. 

“Yes you--”

“No I’m not!” The other snaps, and the belief fueling the thought is so saturated with truth that Deceit feels it hit him like a blow. “When you make mistakes, when Roman is careless with his sharp tongue, or Logan hurts someone’s feelings, or Virgil pushes one of us away those are all just bad decisions, mistakes,  _ accidents _ . They don’t mean it. But I’m Morality, Deceit. I feel every decision, I know what’s right and wrong and sometimes I don’t want to do the right thing. Sometimes I don’t and I use you to convince everyone it was right.” 

His mouth tightens into a thin line. There’s no way of denying that statement without lying and he can’t see how it would help. Deceit’s always been aware of Patton using his powers to rationalize his choices. Sometimes it’s a combination of his and Logan’s abilities if he pretends his decision was based on logic, sometimes his and Virgil’s when it’s based on a gut feeling. And either way Deceit is responsible for manipulating the others into supporting Patton’s choice, making them think that Patton’s decision was the right one, unquestioningly. Because Patton is Morality. There was no reason to question him. 

“I always feel the weight of those decisions on me and sometimes it’s too heavy. Sometimes I just want to let go, duck out.” Deceit waits for the inevitable ‘quack’ to follow but it doesn’t. “And tonight I came so close to telling them, but everyone,  _ Logan, _ just was so good. They said they’d always have my back, that  _ they’d  _ never put  _ me  _ in a position where I had to make a big hard moral decision so I would never face that threat of failure, and they don’t  _ know _ ! They don’t know that if I ever had to make a really hard choice I would do the wrong thing. And if I ever tell them they’re going to hate me.”

That’s… a lot to unpack. “Patton,” He prys the other’s hands away from his legs, squeezes his freezing fingertips and it’s enough to get Patton to peek up at him. His cheeks have gone blotchy and red. “You can’t really think that any of the others would ever turn their backs on you.” 

It’s the wrong thing to say because Patton’s eyes narrow on him and he tugs his hands away, leaning as far back in his chair as he can without tipping it over. “Do I smell like I’m lying?” 

No. Every unbalanced self-loathing thought that spills out of his partner’s mouth tastes like truth. He believes it. Just like he’d believed it when Deceit had laid him out a few days ago. And he still doesn’t know what to do. So he grits his teeth, tugs off one of his gloves and pushes his sleeve up. The sudden movement gives Patton pause, and that’s reason enough for Deceit to swallow down his own doubts and resign himself as he sinks his fangs into his own exposed wrist. 

Snakes shouldn’t be able to poison themselves with their own venom. But he’s not one hundred percent a snake and however Thomas’s mind had decided to construct them hadn’t paid too much attention into how their powers would work. It didn’t care that Roman’s fantasies could hurt him, or that Virgil’s fear could drown out all his senses. It didn’t care that Logan’s mind could become so all consumed with a thought he disregarded his body, or that Patton could feel the weight of each moral and emotional dilemma like Atlas and the globe on his back. So of course that same thing that gave them form did not care that Deceit’s venom should not work on him, and so it does. He feels the burn of it through his veins and he hates it.

It’s not just pain, but a rolling in his gut, a tightening in the available space for air behind his ribs, a dizziness blooming in his temples. Because he is Deceit. Because even though he can tell the truth and he does, and he helps the others to do so too, he is supposed to lie. And instead he’d injected himself with the one thing that could completely counter his most basic nature. 

“Patton, you are not a bad person for feeling like you want to do bad things every now and then. Even if it was all the time. Because bad people wouldn’t care. They would do the bad things and not care about who got hurt or what the consequences were so long as they got to go on their merry way.” He feels a cold sweat start to prickle his forehead and a shiver threatens to race down his spine. “There’s a reason that morality has been studied and philosophized about for all of human history and that’s because it’s hard and it’s always changing. But you’re here,” He takes Patton’s hand again, squeezes it, tries not to notice the blood dripping from his wrist onto the other’s chair. “You’re doing your best even when something inside you just wants to give up. So no, none of us will ever hate you because you’re being crushed under all that responsibility. None of us will ever think you’re worthless.” He feels like he should say more but his breath is starting to go shaky and short, his lungs tight as the fire searing through his veins pulses out of his chest in time with his heartbeat. Deceit tries to look Patton in the eyes, but his gaze feels unfocused and vague. 

“Deceit?”

“We’re never going to hate you, darling,” Oh, shit. He’s not supposed to say that anymore. But then there are two impossibly heavy arms wrapped around his shoulders and Patton’s shuddering breaths puffing burning heat against the freezing skin of his neck and he thinks he’s been forgiven for his slight verbal misstep. 

It takes him another long moment to realize Patton is saying something against his skin, “I know, I’m sorry. I know.” And it tastes like the truth, sure, but all of Patton’s insecurities had tasted like he believed them. What he says now feels sincere far beyond the confines of taste. It settles like certainty in his gut and this time Deceit believes him. 

Which is good, because as the relief washes through him it rips away his last remaining grasps on consciousness. 

* * *

 

He wakes on a familiar bed with a headache that makes him want to kill someone. But being that the closest two bodies are his current lovers Deceit rather quickly decides against it, hissing out a litany of curses instead. 

“Hey, hey, no need for that potty mouth mister!” And Patton’s suddenly leaning over him, pressing the back of his hand to his forehead, smiling down at him like what had happened earlier was just a distant memory. 

“How are you feeling?” Logan asks leaning over him on the other side. 

“Not great.” 

“I’m not surprised, your body wasn’t meant to handle truth serum, now I believe it’s purging it like it would an infection.”

“I hope Thomas doesn’t need to lie for the next few days.” He means for it to be dry and sardonic but all it sounds is sincere and he groans. 

Patton runs his fingers through the shaved side of his hair and says softly, “I’m sorry that you had to do that.”

“I didn’t have to. I chose to be that stupid,” and damn him because he literally can’t hold his tongue as he’d so like to because of the damn poison surging through his veins, “Because I wanted you to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I wasn’t lying to you.” 

The other facet’s eyes soften even further. “I know, I do, thank you for doing that.” And then he says the one thing that makes it all worth it, “It was exactly what I needed.” If his body weren’t already limp he would have gone boneless with relief. Finally. Finally he got something right. “I’m gonna figure this out.” 

“We’ll help, whatever you need.” Logan promises. 

Deceit doesn’t say anything because he’s worried what truth might slip out. Because he’s not going to scene with Patton, not like they were before. No more degradation. No more telling Patton he’s horrible, or bad, or unworthy. Not even if he wants it, not even if he begs. Because Patton just proved himself incapable of being able to tell the difference between exploring kinks in a cathartic way and doing so as a means of self-flagellation. It’s his job to help these two, he’s not going to engage in anything to deliberately hurt them. Deceit can feel that train of thought leads to something more dangerous that’s been tucked into the back of his mind. And like the cowardly snake he is he slithers away from it. 

“I still haven’t been told what that stupid movie was about.” He says instead and watches Logan’s expression turn melancholy and Patton’s turn bashful. 

As the other two settle in and start to tell him about the film and how it spurred on this drop he can’t help but to think that this was the first major step into Patton finding his truth. That this issue was probably one of the things so deeply embedded into the other facet’s sense of self that kept drawing Deceit to him. And if he’s right this is the first step Patton will make towards not needing to rely on him so heavily. 

(He blanks his mind, focusing on Logan’s summary of the movie, so he doesn’t have to admit to himself how badly that idea hurts.) 

**Author's Note:**

> Sometimes people explore kinks for the wrong reasons. Please be careful and safe, never do anything that feels wrong for you, and especially never scene with the intention of doing harm to your emotional and mental well being. Catharsis is good, intentionally doing lasting damage to your psyche is bad. Thanks for reading, see you in another 4 months


End file.
